Stem of A Heart:Update on The Ultimatum
The title has no correlation with whatever I'll write on this page. It's just some sort of musing that entered my mind after I was devastated by the events that occurred. I still have to search for a psychology beneath that musing. I seriously don't know why that even came into my mind.
HOLY HECK! What was that all about? No script, no programme. All I was given was a sheet of paper with the rules and criteria on it. I was stunned by how they held the auditions. I know I want the slot. I promised myself to make it work but given that situation I was ready to give up. I was so damn prepared to give it up all together. I almost gave in to being the girl with her heart on her sleeve again. I wanted to cry. I was on the verge of giving up what I just started. I reminded myself not to with a slap on my face.
I wanted to renounce even before the auditions started for the reason that my co-aspirants were high strung. Michelle Zed Zerda, Karin Schlenker, Theresa San Jose, and Danielle Teves were before me. To top it off, I was to present last. And simultaneous with the auditions was a group meeting. Butterflies kept bouncing off the walls of my stomach. There must've been a riot of a thousand because I wasn't feeling so good. Most of all, I got nervous every time I heard the people in the audition room go wild. This was my first opportunity for the fulfillment of the ultimatum and a first in the MedTech Society activities. I needed to make this work.
No drawbacks! My weaknesses brought me so much disdain. I wanted to scream to myself. I guess this is the point that I have to criticize myself. I am so yellow when it comes to auditions. That may be for the reason that I have never auditioned for anything. I was so damn intimidated by my contenders. I knew they are way better me and that alone gives me a great plunge into the depths of introversion. The judges were terrifying. They weren't when it still wasn't my turn but when I took the stage, they looked appalled and uninterested. That sucked the spirit if enthusiasm out of me. My greatest weakness would be lack of confidence. I wasn’t sure of myself. I started telling myself I couldn’t do it. I started telling myself this wasn't for me. I started to lose my purpose once again.
Irene managed to cheer me up a little by saying "Don't give up! This is your calling." Thank goodness for people like her. Although I still have a lot to prove with that "calling" of mine, it feels great when someone believes in you. Those kind of things mattered to me simply because I felt I needed a boost. Karin was also a willing friend who became my "candidate" and amped up my boring performance. Leonard also did great when he reminded me of "Titicaca". These people managed to cheer me up in ways they don't even know. I'd like to extend my gratitude someday.
Yes, I managed to myself so to say that one on the judges said "Ok sya," but they weren't even listening when I presented. Insight: that must how teachers felt when no one listens. BS! Ha-ha! I wasn't at all burned up by that, just burned out. To say they may be a little un-professional when they judged (they are just students after all and biased to their year level) but they do have that chilling feeling that goes up your spine. I tried my best and if it is still worth it, it'll be given to me. Let's just hope for the best.
Let The Jitters Start:Update on The Ultimatum
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 10:00am
Most of you think that I've slacked off for the past week aye? I've been very busy with the last strands left of the first semester and trying to cope with the second sem. Yes, I have slacked off but I promise I will make it up this week. NO drawbacks.
There are a lot of reasons for me to update this. My attitude towards things has been off again. I succumbed to reading and then forgot my priorities. That shouldn't be the case but I am again wired in a different manner. It did me some great realization but then again left me wondering about a lot of stuff. I don't know what I need right now. Maybe someone who can keep me on track or someone to give me a slap. Whichever case, I really need it right now.
Hoping for the best does have its advantages. I got the spot. On that fateful hour of 5pm, I received a text message from the organizers telling me that I was to do it. I stop and stared. Oh wow! Leonard and I were just talking about that last night. I already surrendered but Life has a way surprising me. I didn't exactly know how to react. I just stared and stared. That was until the organizer rang my phone. I didn't answer it, rather I wasn't able to answer it. I knew somehow he wanted to make sure he messaged the right number and to make sure that I received the message. But something held me back.
My mom has her ways of discouraging me. I'm not sure if I used the right word there. I was exuberant and was ready to celebrate about it. I forgot that my parents and I unfortunately don't meet in the middle. When I told her the news, she gave me an outright "So what? Why is it so important for you?". What a great way to get my spirits down. I froze at the exact spot and answered her, "Fine. It's not important then." Again, my parents don't meet in the middle. I know they wanted to know the whole story but asking me that way isn't the way to get the story out.
I went to sleep with a lot of doubt. Especially that my cousin told me indirectly that I wasn't good at it. I'm not sure if I can do this anymore. I have a lot to think about. This is not how high school was and everything else is new. I think I took the wrong opportunity.I think this isn't for me. I think I will disappoint myself and everyone around me again.
I woke with a very painful headache. Yes, due to over indulging in one idea. I even had a bad dream. Could I possibly be that dragged out? I felt like there was no point to continue what I started. As of this moment, I was still on a state of mere doubt.
Let's all hope for the best and hope that hoping gets me far.
No comments:
Post a Comment