Four Quarters of the Day

Everyone does not start their day with a good morning.

June 23, 2007

4:00 AM
It does not take a genius to know which quarter 4:00 is under! It may still be 4 o’clock but hell says I must get up! My respiratory track starts its detoxifying process… I rush to the C.R. to clear up my senses. It’s still pitch-black outside the window. Time stood still as I examined myself in the bathroom mirror. Shaggy hair, dark eye bags, teary eyes. Seems like I partied at hell the night before but trust me I did not, I was playing goody-two shoes at school and arrived home at 10:00 . Then it came, the most inevitable tears sled on my cheeks. I hastily wiped them off. I coughed my last and went back to sleep.

6:30 AM

Official beginning of the day! I abruptly stood up. The seminar would start in an hour. My family is still asleep and luckily the housemaid is already up. I have thought of what to wear so it didn’t take me much time to prepare. I took a bath. It seems like I wasn’t in my normal self. I feel like dying. I meant I wanted to die. The water seemed to penetrate deeply into me like daggers. The chill went up my spine. I felt really dizzy. My fever had taken its toll on my stressed body and mind. I leaned on the wall. My head weighed a ton. I couldn’t help to let a small anguish cry. Of course, nobody could hear it. It echoed in my mind. I do not normally do this but my systems are falling. I urge myself to take another plunge just to get over it and be cleansed. I quickly wrapped myself with my towel and protected myself from the rush of cold wind. I stepped out and peeped into the kitchen. DAMN! The maid did not cook early. How was she supposed to know that I’d be going to school? I desperately called out her name. She was nowhere in sight. "Whatever!" I cursed angrily. I changed quickly as I could. I looked at myself in the mirror. Get over it! Stop being confused. If you are in love, then you are. I scolded myself. I just had days of him! Why can’t I just take him off my mind and go on with today? I know he won’t be there. (Talk about certainty.) I rushed to the kitchen and demanded my breakfast. I am not a picky eater but for the sake of pissing our housemaid off, I told her I do not want whatever she’s cooking and refused to eat breakfast. I grinned at myself. I can be so evil at times. I bid my parents goodbye and went to school. To tell you the truth, I was hungry! It was already 7:30 when I left home.

8:00 AM

It takes 30 minutes to an hour just to get to school. Luckily, I was traveling with a friend. My mind was intact until I arrived at school. I saw a group in which he belongs. My heart leaped a mile (which was supposed not to happen!) My eagerness and excitement showed, I couldn’t help it. We had the continuation of the leadership seminar. Fortunate enough, I did not think of him during the session. I prohibited myself. We had a recess and damn! I could not take my mind off him. I scolded myself. We are particularly close to each other. I desperately want to talk to him. When the moment comes, I barely know the words. His aura, his facade, and his nature. All of it is too overwhelming. I wasn’t able to stop myself. I checked out the place in which his group was situated. He wasn’t there. Everything troubled me. I stopped myself from disappointment. I went back to the seminar. I hate myself for being so clingy.

12:30PM

Damn Serenity! The school had the untimely silence. I left Maia at the Music Room. I surveyed the school. It was so inanimate. I felt a pang of sadness. The tug of loneliness was so strong. I was teary-eyed! Damn, Angel! Don’t cry! I went back to the Music Room. Thousand Miles and Out of My League. The songs of my emotions. "If I could just see you…" Don’t take me so literally. It’s not his physical attributes. "And I’m out of my league once again…" Not totally! He’s in my league. In the center of it, the worst. He is the most ideal guy. He has it all. But it seems so wrong. I AM NOT IN HIS LEAGUE! I know his type. It does not take me so much reason for me to know such. I do not want to hope for his love cause I know its not coming. I know I sound so certain and I am certain. I couldn’t keep my mind straight. I was having a silent breakdown. Maia couldn’t see because I acted so normal. Facadious! I’ve been told, I know. But I tell you, except for my emotion, I am honest and frank. We had lunch. It was normal, nothing out of the ordinary. I was able to gather myself during my talk with a best friend.

3:00 PM

He’s there! Damn I almost jumped from the second floor! I let my emotions out. I shouted and stuff. He won’t know I did. We both have poor vision, by the way. I gathered myself. Damn! I wanted to get near him. But he was busy. I occupied myself with things but hell, couldn’t keep my mind of him! Then I decided to go nearer. 6 paces away, he’s there. His face, his smile and his facade are so appealing. I couldn’t keep my ground. I smiled. We engaged in a conversation. It was a so-so one. I wanted to make it memorable. But his aura keeps pulling my spirits down. I gazed at him. All I can do. The hope of loving and being loved back faded. It still hurts. Knowing the truth and experiencing it crushes my enthusiasm. I never really felt this hopeless and lost. I never thought this kind of pain is tangible. I wanted to detach myself. Detaching from him seems so impossible. I am falling for him. The awkward moment never stopped. I wish I could just tell him so that I can get over it. I know that when it goes, it goes. I do not care if he doesn’t fall back. But it might hurt the so-called friendship we have. I might be losing a real friend. A true friend to the extent. I’m more than confused, I am afraid. I was further attached to him. I cannot let myself from falling. Should I stop myself or do I let go and fall…

5:00 PM

On my way home, my heart was throbbing. I couldn’t help feeling so depressed. I was supposed to tell him that I like him. It was supposed to be scripted and stuff. When you are so prepare, you fail! In my own context, it is so true. Words barely make sense when I’m talking to him. A few tears fell but I seized my soul. I know in his eyes I am weak but I couldn’t do anything about that. It would be telling me not to breathe. My sole outlet of emotion is crying. I do not want to laugh at it nor do I want to be angry at it. I caught myself laughing. I know its crazy but it’s me. No matter how I evade the problem, it seems to pang into consciousness. DARN! Why me? It’s so wasted.

9:00 PM

I lay my head onto my pillow. It seems so comforting. No harm done in every part. I close my eyes. I see his face. No harm done. Gentleness despite his cold facade. I seek his warmth. I seek his depth. No more than a chance! I tell myself, "Asa ka pa!" Masakit oo, pero anong magagawa ko. Hindi ko siya mapipilit. Siguro basura na lang ako. History! I know! I am one of the ones who’d come and go in his life. I am not the one who’d leave a mark on his life. It’s nonetheless the most helpless case. I felt that hot tears sledding down my cheeks. No sooner, my pillowcase was soaked with tears. I did not stop myself for some reasons. I liked crying. It was so darn comforting. I actually fell asleep crying.

Ending my day crying is the best option. Ending it another way could’ve hurt me more. A day may be short or long but it would only depend on how you spend it.


*listening to Monster Radio, trying to catch Deanno's shift*

fell asleep though.

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republished in Feb 6, 2009; original compisition on Friendster.