I don't know how to start this, honestly speaking. I smiled at the very thought that I was given a chance to have a sneak peek at this blog before publishing it to the world. Although I only got to read a line or two but a line saying "I want to be a famous actor," could certainly capture your attention. His reaction to my reaction to that line was epic. He didn't want me to read any further, either because he wasn't ready for it or he wasn't too excited of me reading it in front of him. Either ways, I would still be able to respond to this blog. :)
First and foremost, I like this entry. I've been enjoying Alton's style of writing ever since I started reading his works. There is comfort in reading his prose; it gives me a sense of belonging. I can relate in between his passages. Every sentence rekindles some memories ranging from childhood memories to not-so long ago. Secondly, it is real and raw. I don't like fancy and highly ornate writing styles. That kind of style lulls you to sleep. I enjoy its brevity. Lastly, it doesn't bore me. For a fact that I can relate to it, then it only comes to a conclusion that it's not boring. But away from my biases, even those who are attention deficit can read this. Trust me, I know a few and they actually manage to finish it to the last sentence. They were even able to comprehend. No pun intended to those friends of mine.
The reflection part is the hazy one for me. I am currently in a state of numbness that most of my emotions are repressed and I have a difficult time reincarnating them. It's cramming week since it is already pre-finals week. The only emotions present right now are panic and fear. But I will muster up everything that I could to give it a good review.
I was never a great dreamer. I never really dreamt that grand so I don't really get disappointed when my petty dreams won't come true neither have I tried accomplishing a dream of mine. I've been living under the standards of my parents, who are very rigid. But I was able to feel accomplished in my short existence.
Elementary was formal. I managed to satisfy my parents’ desires by graduating with honors. Yeah, it wasn't too difficult back then. That alone was considered an achievement; my parents were so happy and contented. But I wasn't. To tell you the truth, I didn't have a life back then. I was carpooled to and from the school I was going to. If I ever arrive beyond 5:30 pm, I would get a sermon as long as fellowship homily. And I still don't have patience to listen to sermons. I would rather hear a one-liner that makes me think that I did commit a mistake. I am not that dense or my mom is just a nagger, go figure.
High school was different. I achieved according to my own standards. My rebellion, although I am not too proud of it, freed me. The sense of liberty I achieved in those four years of Jesuit education is immeasurable. Unlike the Marisian education I received during elementary, my educators in high school was more liberal. I was taught to be more critical during my first year and representing my class in a Debate Seminar with a lot of my seniors, some of which are Kuya Akeem and Kuya Eps; who excels in this field even up to this moment, is a great manifestation of it. Second Year was neither unproductive nor fruitful at some point. I do remember leading a class in an ecological presentation. That memory was vague; it showcased all my weakness, as far as I'm concerned. 3rd year was dynamic, the year I was able to excel in my academics, especially in Chemistry. Surprising enough, my parents were not satisfied with that. They want me to regain the status of an achiever. I was achieving at my own pace, they want it as soon as they could. I slack off when people demand so much from me. I do that when the y expect something from me. Fourth year is a key to my existence. I did strive to keep the balance between my academics and my extra-curricular activities. Joining the Student Volunteers Committee made a lot of difference, I was everywhere. From first Friday masses to the Graduation Ball, I was able to attend every school event. I even manage to go out at some point. Got by going home around 11pm and I was even prodded about it. Now, that is an achievement for me. A life! I got to work for the committee from time to time and felt I had a purpose in every event. I wasn't useless for the first time in my life. I didn't feel the burden of work without compensation. I was more than willing and able to do everything I was requested for. That is something I would consider as a trophy, besides the awards for meritorious service.
After graduation was life changing, I was able to expose myself without my parents’ knowledge. But seriously, is it even possible not to notice your daughter's voice over the radio? All the while, they thought I was going about the city without any direction. They couldn't understand why I came home one day with barely any voice left. They couldn't understand why I needed to bring spare clothes. They couldn't understand why I was so tired on Saturdays and why I wasn't around on Sundays. How could they possibly understand when they never really asked me? I know they had an idea what is going on, they just don't want to talk about it. My first pay check came to me as amazement. Monetary compensation never moved me before. I used to be satisfied with a smile and a thank you. My friend told me that I applied for this job and deserves payment. I held on to it until my next pay check. But then I got so excited that I only managed to save very little. Impulsive, yes. I know.
Adding to the pressure of balancing between your family and work is decision making. Decisions such as where I would study, on what course I would enroll to and what will happen to me after I graduate in college. My parents were getting anxious that they confronted me on my way to work. Starting with "Ano ba talaga gusto mo?" when I am in hurry is a big no no. I would answer "To be left alone," outright. NO, I didn't answer that to my parents. I managed to gather my composure and sat and talk a little sense to them. I knew I was running late but I also knew my co-SJs would understand. There was a battle of interests between my father's field and my mom's. They were both different and they had big dreams for me. As far as they are concerned, they want me to become either a lawyer or doctor. I am cool with those, so to say. But when I brushed in my interest, they considered with all the but’s and if's there is. There was no use in pushing through; I knew where the conversation was heading. Alright, I bit in into their wants. Back to their standards, I didn’t know how to take on college. I arrived at work that day totally unfocused and diminished. My team cheered me up a lot and they managed to take my mind off the pressure. I got home late that night and my mom confronted me to make my decision ASAP. She asked me to fill in the SUAPE form as soon as possible. There is this portion which requires you to write down the courses of your choice: Medical Technology, Biology and Mass Communication. I was to leave two weeks after to take the exam and enroll altogether. My mother dismissed the very idea of hearing me out; I was so tempted to tell her. The next day, I submitted a letter of resignation. "You can’t do this," my manager exclaimed. I briefly explained my situation to him. Somehow he did understood but he left me a line that still breaks my heart as of this moment "We wanted to give you a regular position. We thought you would be able to come through…" Disappointment from someone you draw inspiration from is very painful. I needed to finish my program which happens to be the day I was leaving. "Great! How can you get through this, Houdini?" I had a major headache and the news spread even to the summations. Their goodbyes were so moving. I didn't think it was possible to leave my mark in such a short time. I was privileged enough to sign in the stations so-called hall of famers. I worked my best in the few remaining days. I was able to host an event that ran from 8 in the morning to 11 in the evening along with one of my buddies and seniors. That was epic, I couldn't ask for more than anything in my life. And the only statement coming from my parents was "Nagka-syota ka na noh?" which was very incongruous because I was recovering from a heartache. I enjoyed every last bit of that glorious summer until I had to leave. On the day of my departure, my fellow SJs made a tribute and played all those "crappy" songs that made me cry. I was able to thank them through my tears and promised them that I will be back, a better me would face them. Someday, I told myself.
SUAPE results didn't convince my parents. A score of 99 percent for reading comprehension was not enough for them. Because they say that my mathematical ability and abstract reasoning is around 88 percent, I am sorry that that it isn't my field. You just can't force that into my system. Enrollment was torture. That was the first time they saw my 4th year report card; yes, a line of seven, 79 to be exact, in Mathematics but, believe me, advance trigonometry and statistics is not a day in the park. They were hysterical and told me they shouldn't have walked me into the portals of Silliman. Maybe they shouldn't have. I am still not certain up to this very moment why and how I got by my first year. It was difficult, I think more than anyone could fathom. But I kept the hardships to myself, I only told them I may have great opportunities after I graduate. Read: MAY! Uncertain to a point that I don't even know when my graduation would be.
From Alton's blog, I picked up that I need to dream BIG and make a checklist to achieve that goal. But what is my dream? What do I really want? How would I be able to make a checklist if I don't even know what my major goal is? I do need help. Somehow, I wish help could come as soon as now.
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